2015 was one of the most challenging, rewarding, and transformative years of my (short) life thus far. I was excited a couple years ago to start writing again. It had been forever since I’d written much of anything outside of my own personal journaling, and I missed the passion that I had allowed the business of life to disconnect me from. Imagine my disappointment when a few short months after starting a new blog (only 3 posts in), I felt like God was telling me to put it on hold. Its not like I had a huge following or anything like that-but it was something I wanted to do and now I was being asked to focus inward vs. outward. Turns out, God knows what He’s doing…
Writing has always been one of my greatest passions (along with reading) as well as one of my greatest outlets. Looking back, I see how there were places that God wanted me to grow in wisdom, allow Him to work some things out in my heart, and mostly just trust him.
2015 was a year of trust for me. I felt like that’s the word God put on my heart-an area of growth that He wanted to walk me deeper into. I had no idea what that would mean at the time, but looking back-putting my public writing on hold was part of it.
“But why?” I wanted to know.
“I love to write!”
“Its one of my greatest passions!”
“I can use it to honor you Lord!”
“Its a skill I want to improve on and how can I do that if I’m not practicing!”
But mainly- “I want to, so why can’t I.”
God’s answer was simple- “Trust me.”
Turns out, it had nothing to do with the writing itself or the blog. It had to do with my heart. There’s a lot that God lovingly and gently asked me to do last year, most of it with very little explanation. Turns out, while God had used the past 5 years or so to build my faith, now He wanted to build my trust.
For me, faith comes into play with the BIG things-like when God tells you to move from California to Virginia without knowing why, and you end up packing up your entire life and driving cross country with your husband and fetus in tow with only 12 days notice and no plan, no jobs lined up, no place to live…simply moving on faith. Or when you spend your life planning to be a teacher, go to college for teaching, spend years teaching, and then God tells you to take a ministry position AND to do it for free. These things build faith. God had been growing me in that. But in 2015, He wanted to build trust.
Trust for me is in the little things. The day to day. Like when God challenges you to stop using an alarm clock in the morning and simply trust Him to wake you up because He loves you that much. Or when He asks you not to start that blog just yet even though you want to do it, because He has other things for you to focus on. Or when He tells you to forgive and to seek reconciliation in relationships that have hurt you deeply. 2015 was the year of learning to trust. Learning to lean in, and listen, and let God handle not just the big things in life but the daily details as well. I’m a type A, highly organized planner. Managing and controlling the daily details of my life brings me great joy. But God wanted my joy and peace to be found in Him. He wanted me to give him the reigns. To move only when He told me to move, to speak only when He told me to speak, to do only what He told me to do. I’m obviously still a work in progress!!! But I can say that while the past year has been a challenging one, its also been fruitful. God is so good, and so loving, and so kind. He is trustworthy and patient, and my journey with Him last year was incredible…bumpy at time of course, since I’ve discovered that another one of my great passions is back-seat driving (sorry God, I’m working on it)! But it was fruitful and blessed nonetheless, despite my stubbornness and constant questioning.
In early fall, God started speaking to me again about my writing. “Its time”, He said. Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t excited to jump into this adventure again! I had grown quite comfortable in the cozy little trust nest we’d built, and I would have been ok staying there a while longer. But when God does something in us, its so that He can also do something through us. His work in our life is absolutely for our benefit and because of His great love for us, but its also so that after he’s nurtured and healed us He can then send us out of the nest to fly to others and bring His message to them as well.
I have no idea what God’s going to do through this season in my life, or what the purpose of my writing is. I just know that its a passion He’s given me, and this time its on His timing and His direction-thanks additionally to the nudging and encouragement of multiple mentors.
I’ve wanted to be a lot of things throughout life- a teacher, a writer, a CEO, a professional traveler, a professor, a stewardess, a Navy SEAL…at this point, I can honestly say that all I want to be is faithful. God’s pushed me to write again, and I’m following His lead-praying that out of my (often hesitant and awkward) obedience, He can do something amazing! I don’t know where this will lead, but one thing I’ve learned over the past year is that God can be trusted and the adventures He calls us into are not only intentional and purposed but also incredibly fun! I’m expectant and excited for this journey, and I look forward to all God has in store!